I've been running scared a long long time. Scared to fully commit myself to whatever God has in store for me. Scared to be used. Scared to write. Scared to speak. Scared to admit it out loud and terrified to type it in my blog.
God and I have had so many fits and starts during the last twenty or so years. I move forward one inch, see a glimpse of what God wants me to do and then I run back a mile.
I am a victim of my own flesh. Victim of worrying about what people might think about me. Victim of wondering if any of this is real. Am I really speaking in tongues when I worship? Am I really calling on heaven when I pray? Am I really effective when I speak? Could this all be in my own mind?
What will this person have to say? Or that person? If I told someone that I was going to be used by God, would they express disbelief that I was even a Christian? Would they remind me of the time I used those curse words or drank that wine? Would they question God's judgement to use me of all people?
I am so scared that I have immobilized myself by fear. What if I say something wrong? What if I fail? What if I cause harm? What if.... I can't even type all the what ifs I use as an excuse to do nothing.
But I'm tired of running. Tired of not truly being who I am supposed to be. Tired of how hard I work to avoid it. Tired of coming up with new and unique reasons not to just do the work.
I can't use my mom as an excuse. I can't use my family. I can't use work. I can't use lack of confidence and I can't use fear.
My best friend Lisa said that very early on when we first met that she saw me standing at a pulpit. God has not called to the pulpit in that way, but He did give me a voice to speak and I've been swallowing that voice for a long time.
Denise said I have to just jump out of the plane and not pull the ripcord. That requires trust and belief that the parachute will open when it's time. I have to trust that God knew what He was doing when He called me. I have to believe that He wouldn't put me out there to fail. I have to know that He will give me the words to speak and He will give the listeners the ears to hear.
I'm still scared but I said today that I was going to be all in. The best and worst part about that is that I don't even know what that means or what it's going to look like but here is where I say "so what?"
We'll just have to see what happens. But I do know that no matter what it is, God will get the glory from my life. And He will surround me with the people I need to push me and pull me into shape.
So I'm braced for whatever is next and you're coming with me. I can't do it alone.
In love, Mona
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I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!